Sitting at a local café on a breezy but sunny morning, drinking a cup of caramel-infused coffee, my intention was to keep this visit short to jot down my gratitude and to-dos for the day.

But there’s a feeling lingering in the background of my psyche that’s causing my heart to partially close and my mind to wander away from the present moment.

I look around to get a sense of the surroundings which are getting busier by the minute with people queuing to get their daily dose of caffeine and sugar. Hardly 30 minutes passed since I got here and now only a few tables are left unoccupied.

A mom with her children just spending quality time, two elderly friends with colourful outfits chatting away and young men on the bakery counter buying sandwiches to go.

I pause and think to myself how colourful life is, not only by the sight of the massive array of delicious pastries and panini, the flourist or the homedeko shop but also by the diversity of people.

I feel the gratitude for being part of this moment but I can also still feel the background disturbance in me, hindering full immersion in the here and now.

Digging deeper

I asked myself, what’s causing this? What’s lurking behind the back door of my mind? I tune into my body and i notice my shoulders are tight and my lower jaw too. I relax them, let my shoulders down, relax my jaw and lean back to get a clearer inner view of what I’m feeling.

Then I remember the conversation I had this morning with my mind. It was reviewing yesterday’s interactions in the office, scanning the scenes to make sure I didn’t do or say anything that made me look bad or disagreeable.

That’s when I realised that this review is the cause of the uneasy feeling; it conjured up a need to protect my heart from being rejected. The fear that stems from not wanting to be rejected has put me in protection/defence mode.

What am I protecting myself from?

Scanning faces

I look around to see if people are also living life like this. A quick face and posture scan gives me the feeling that most of us walk the earth with an armour held close.

The mother with her children looks around when one of her children misbehaves to make sure they’re not bothering anyone.

The elderly ladies in colourful clothes and makeup seem in denial of their age, holding on to what they can control for as long as they can.

The young man at the counter, chatting with his friend without holding gaze, tugging at his jacket and straightening his posture when someone passes seems fearful of disapproval.

What do all these people have in common? Fear of not being good enough.

It’s both scary and heartwarming how similar we all are.