Having been on the receiving end of disrespectful comments from someone I valued, and having felt the anger, sadness, and anxiety that came with it, I decided I won’t let them go unprocessed.

It doesn’t matter now whether the person who made me feel this way did so intentionally or unintentionally. What matters is that I now need to redefine my relationship with this person. And just as importantly, I need to know what in me triggered the negative feelings.

The first question I asked, after calming down the anxious thoughts, was: why was I triggered by this behaviour? I received two answers: I felt anger because I couldn’t defend myself, and I felt sad because I valued this person.

The second question was: what am I going to do about it? Here, again, I had two ideas: first I need to learn and practice how to defend myself in these situations, and second I need to reconsider my relationship with this person.

After delving deep, I remembered the many occasions they did not support me when I needed support, and the many times I felt they had no genuine interest in me.

Why was I giving more than I was receiving?

That’s when I decided things need to change without saying a word. I decided I will take responsibility for what happened and I will demote (so to speak) this person from the people who mattered to me.

And it was done! Just like that! I withdrew my energy back to me, to my heart.

Taking responsibility for your own well-being is empowering. Putting people in their place and re-evaluating their contribution to your life is something you need to do from time to time. And I’m not saying you need to do that with words. There’s a way that’s much more powerful.

Simply take back the value you’ve given them. Take back the attention, the curiosity, the nice compliments, and your genuine interest in them as people in your life. Stop engaging in friendly conversations, stop initiating kind gestures, or even asking how they’re doing. Both physically and energetically.

No, this is not cruel. Cruel is being unkind, unauthentic, and passive-aggressive. Remember that you need to be kind to yourself first and foremost and forcing yourself to show kindness is neither kind nor genuine. You can still be polite and be yourself, without the added value.

Yet, there’s one very important thing you need to do first in order to clear your heart, and that’s letting go of the anger or resentment the disrespectful behaviour might’ve brought. You need to forgive. Better yet, you need to be grateful to the person for showing you who they are and helping you save your energy for those who actually deserve it.

Your kindness towards people should never be confused with weakness; your politeness should never be taken for granted; and your attention, kindness and genuine interest are treasures that should be given only to those who matter.